Multitudes of change
March 24, 2008
Greetings and Salutations.
I know it’s been overly long and the mystery woman who kept saying she was going to write has been absent on the pages here it would seem but I have been here, looking in often. I’ve tried to answer what comments people have made and have not done such a bang up job of it as late. The explanation of why this has happened this way is:
I don’t know.
I’ve awakened each morning saying to myself that the very first thing I’m going to do when I arise is go and compose a post on my much neglected blog today no matter what and each day I’ve done anything and everything *but* that. No excuses. All I can do is apologize to the dedicated readers and friends here for not keeping you in the loop lately. I am truly sorry.
I started this blog more than a year ago; sometime last February I wrote a few lines then saved them as a draft. I published them a few weeks later. I thought I was going to be busy starting an exciting new life. I felt I had finally escaped the things that had shackeled me for the past several years and that I could finally move on in my life.
At some point during 2006 I began to see that I’d been involved in something that I had some serious issues with and the issues were not going away. In January 2007 I decided to conclude and leave that part of my life that I had been consumed with. I was happy about it. That’s what this blog had started out being about. Then things changed.
It was like in those very old movies when, for the special effects to be scary or suddenly slip and morph into something completely diametric, they sort of turned the camera and it appeared that the world moved sideways. That’s how I felt last year about this time. Why?
I found a lump on my breast and yes, it was diagnosed as cancer. Then the blog quickly became a place that it was easiest to tell my family and friends the changes that were taking place so rapidly. In the first few weeks there was more news almost daily and instead calling around and having to tell the whole story and the latest news to several people, the blog seemed like a good idea and the easiest way to convey the most current information regarding my circumstances.
Over time as I came to some semblance of knowing that I wasn’t going to persue the usual avenue concerning my cancer; like aggressive treatment, there really didn’t seem to be the need to keep talking about it. When I did talk about it, it was mostly via the phone or email with the people closest to me. I was certain that I would not benefit from “treatment” at all and that I couldn’t go through with that so I haven’t and it turns out that my decision was the precise one for me to make - for me.
The blog began to change. I began to change. I did much self-exploration, pondering and soul searching. I have become a new person in many ways. I know myself better now, I am more self assured, more self confident, more cognizant of my purpose, of my wants and desires. I’ve seen more in this last year about myself, about others, and about the world than I’d ever seen before. I am seeing the intricacies of life; mine, yours, ours and I’m seeing more and more that even though we may be quite different, we are quite the same as well. I see us all as one.
I got an email recently (Mon, 3 Mar 2008 - I guess that’s not *too* recently) out of the blue from Pepsoid that surprised me. He had tagged me with a “meme”. What surprised me is that I am rather unfamiliar with Pepsoid (I might have commented there once or visa versa) and another reason was the timing. It came at a time when I was pondering how to write this post and what I wanted to say about what’s been going on with me and how to tell you. Anyway, it goes like this: it pertains of the writing of one’s memoirs in precisely six words. Another thing to think long and hard on. This stuff is easy for some people but for me, it can take some time. What I came up with is this:
My memoirs in precicely six words - “My life has dissolved, revolved, evolved.” So, there you have it and ah, it’s full circle. It is the first time in years or perhaps ever that I’ve ultimately come to the point where I know that I have to tend to my own self and it is the only way that I can help others.
I didn’t mean to go off on a tangent here. What I mean to do with this post is let you know where I’m at today and why I haven’t been around here or at many of your blogs.
- I’ve had some trouble with my eyes and still have been having pain and might now be suffering from arthritis according to my oncologist.
- I’ve not known what to say and been a bit confused about how I feel about the whole “blogging” thing in regards to some of the friendships I thought I had and some of the troubling consequences that have transpired since I’ve been blogging.
- I’ve found that my interests and situation have changed and with those changes I’ve gone with the flow and made some deepening alterations in my thinking and once again, in myself.
- I’ve been working on some research.
Since I’m sure you’re not interested in reading a book here, I just have a few more things to say here and now that pertain to what I’ve been trying to articulate.
My wonderful husband Aaron and I have started a new website at:
We did it because we had some things we wanted to say on a different level and because it just didn’t seem to fit in here. We hope that it has a bit of the same flavor as it does here but a bit more focused and for different purposes than why this blog exists. We will do what we can and as best as we can even though we are both short on time and energy. (We need to conserve energy and yes, pun intended) We do hope that some of you will come, explore, keep coming back and we hope that the issue that we hope to convey are important to you as well since it really does concern mankind in an organic integrated way that will help us all grow in different areas of our lives. We invite you to join us on our journey there as well.
I hope that I can write here as well at times but obviously I’ve not had the passion, the reason or the desire to keep writing here. I’ve needed time to explore what it is I really need and part of that has been just - rest. Time away from just sitting at the computer and room to think about what’s really important. Is this important to me? Yes! And/but so many people already have blogs rather similar to this one (and the other as well really) but I/we felt like I/we wanted to make a difference, wanted to learn, to share with others what we find along the way and to work towards unfication and harmony everywhere. Lofty ambitions? Mayhaps but why not? Where there’s life, somewhere, somehow, there IS hope.
Which brings me to another subject about where I’ve been, why I haven’t been here or been terribly responsive; especially this last week or so.
On the sidebar you’ll see a link to something called “Cody Memorial” and if you’ve read there, it begins a story about our two kitties, Rico and Cody and their adopted little brother, Elijah. Hopefully, you’ll read that, especially if you have a furry family member. After reading that, come back and read the rest of the story.
About three weeks ago I noticed that Rico was being a bit different than he has always been. He was wanting more attention (and getting it) than ever before. He seemed like he might have a cold or something though and then he stopped eating. We watched him and after a couple of days we knew we had to take him to the vet to find out what was wrong.
They took some blood from him and came back with some very bad results. It showed that his kidneys were not functioning properly and shutting down. There just wasn’t anything more we could do for him. The strain of his bad heart had helped to cause this kidney failure.
We had to let him go. I don’t know if any of you have ever been through this but it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through and I’ve been through a lot. We said our goodbyes and held Rico as the vet put the needle in and off he went; to join his brother Cody. Now he’s buried out in the back next to his brother and we’re just heart broken.
Rico was one of the most serious cats I’ve ever known except when that tail of his started chasing him and then he pranced round and round trying to catch it; first trying to make sure no one was watching. He was my baby and - well - sometimes there just are no more words.
There should be some follow up posts here one of these days but I’m not sure when. Life is still coming at us.
Peace, love and understanding to all.
Thank you for taking the time and care to comment. Your visits honestly mean much more to than you might imagine. Jump in, comment anywhere on any of the posts. 
Click for 
March 25, 2008 at 8:17 am
I’m so sorry about Rico. I totally get it.. I lost “Buddy” to FLUTD and it broke my heart. He was my baby and I miss him to this day.
I look forward to visiting your new site. You have made a huge impact on many lives and I know you will continue to do so. Take Care. {{{HUGS}}}
March 25, 2008 at 9:04 am
I’m sorry about your loss of Rico. It’s so difficult, losing a family member.
I think of you all the time, just know that.
I’ve visited your new site and love it.
Write when you can, not because you feel pressured. Blogging must also be a form of enjoyment, and not a burden or obligation.
Hugs, Love, Kisses, Peace
xoxox
March 25, 2008 at 9:43 am
Thank you for this update, Ruby. I’m so sorry about Rico.
You’re posts are always so thoughtful. I love your six word memoir. So much said in so little space.
I look forward to reading the new blog. In fact, I’ve already begun, and am planning to make a batch of Mommy Soup in the next day or two.
Would you please consider adding a link to the new site on your sidebar? It might make it a bit easier for some of your more technically impaired readers to get to it (ahem…like me). I subscribed via RSS, but I read most things via my blogroll.
Thanks, Ruby. I’m sending you many hugs (as I mentally do every day).
March 25, 2008 at 9:59 am
I’m so sorry to hear about Rico. Our furry companions really do get into our hearts. They are family.
I’m glad you updated. I have strong ambivalence about blogging, and have settled on only blogging when the spirit moves me. It works well.
I’m heading over to check out your new site.
See you here next time the spirit moves you.
March 25, 2008 at 11:19 am
I’m sorry about Rico too. Pets really get into your heart and when you lose one, it’s always grim.
Hang in there and don’t sweat it, nothing in plumbing is forced, neither is anything in writing. If there’s no inspiration that’s ok, do what you feel.
Take care you.
BC
March 25, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Oh Ruby! I have tears in my eyes. Here I am looking at my new kitty Lucie, who as you know looks so much like your sweet Rico. It took two years for me to allow myself to let Lucie into my life. Two years before that I had to put my own little boy and companion of 16 1/2 years away after he developed severe kidney disease. I still miss him. My heart goes out to you, dear Ruby. I’m so sorry. I know exactly how it feels. I still miss my boy to this day. Thank you for taking the time to share this with us. ((((((((Ruby)))))))
March 25, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Loosing a friend is so hard whether human or not, I still miss my beautiful dog Denny.
I’m so pleased you came back to tell us what was going on. I’d been worrying about you.
I shall check out your new site.
love and so many hugs Ruby, you have ben such an important part of my blog life over the last year.
pxx
March 25, 2008 at 7:56 pm
I am so happ too see a new post miss you loads havent bene doing all that well lately
sorry to hear about rico!
March 25, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Thank You Ruby for such a riveting albeit sad in regard to Rico post. I too lost my long term partner of 10 years puddycat in 2001 to the same awful kidney failure and held her as she was taken from this world and, as you, was distraught to say the very least….
Please always keep close to you your brilliant “Blogging without Obligation” badge, which btw, is a wondrous idea! You owe us no explanations or reasons, simply great words and feelings which we all love to read…… Strength and Love Ruby!
March 25, 2008 at 11:49 pm
The evolution of Life and loving…
I hope that mending begins in your day soon…
so hard to lose those we love…
grief is a well of solitude that fills us with love and eternal longing.
peace and rest
March 26, 2008 at 6:16 am
Hey Ruby! So GOOOOOD to hear from you.
and so SAD about Rico. Gorgeous pic of him, that is. I’ll be over to check out the thyme peas… 
March 26, 2008 at 7:31 am
He was well loved by a couple of loving humans…
((((((((( RubyShooz)))))))))))))
Wherever you land is where your feet are suppose to be, eh?
And no matter what, know you’re cared about deeply…..and prayed for.
March 26, 2008 at 12:23 pm
I’m so sorry about your kitty. I lost a couple, one very dear, last year along with one of my beloved huskies. We euthanized him and, yes, it is a terrible, terrible choice. But we made it for him.
I’m sorry that I haven’t been visiting the new blog. I haven’t forgotten you, though. I’ll be there, with you & Aaron, in your new manifestation of emotional/mental rebirth.
As always, it’s so good to know you’re doing well (with a few exceptions). See you at your new blog. Love, me.
March 26, 2008 at 12:36 pm
I’m so sorry to hear about Rico. I know how very much you loved and cared for him. Love to you and Aaron and I’m so pleased that all is working out well for you and your’s.Ecstatic to hear your great news concerning your heath.
Love as always
Di.
(((((((Rico)))))))
March 26, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Ruby…
Firstly… healing thoughts to you, and also to Rico that he arrives at the next world in peace and pain-free…
Secondly… I concur with the sentiments expressed above that blogging should not be seen as an obligation of any sort! I personally see blogging as primarily a personal thing, which is about self-exploration and creative expression. You need not apologise, Ruby! It is, however, pleasing to witness your return…
Thirdly… praise be to all the gods that your illness was not as you had feared!
Fourthly… nice memoir! A good summation! I am pleased that my tagging has inspired such…
And finally… I will now scootle off and check out your new website!
Keep writing, keep thinking, keep creating…
Pepsoid
x
March 26, 2008 at 9:56 pm
To everyone who has been here reading, commenting, and or just here:
I just wanted to thank you all for your care, concern, input and even love in some cases. Due to the emotional content of the post and comments above, I don’t feel able to answer each one personally except to say that I know many of us, probably most of us have experienced loss(es) in our lives and I’m sorry if my post brought up some feelings or tears for you or perhaps, there were some good memories that came up as well.
I do not intend on abandoning this weblog but my writing here may be sporadic for a while.
I’ve had some things I’ve wanted to say here that I’ve had a hard time articulating but the words keep swimming in my head. It’s just a matter of time before they coagulate and become coherent and cohesive. As has been said elsewhere, the right time will come at the right time and when it does, I’ll know it.
On another front, I’ve been having some troubles with one of my wrists so I have been limiting my writing and activities as much as possible.
That does not mean that I don’t want you to write, email or call me, it just means what it means, plain and simple.
Thank you all for being here, for being you and for your input.
Much love to all.
March 27, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Healing for your wrists, Ruby!
Keep thinking… creating… and when you can, writing…
CU when we CU…
March 27, 2008 at 2:20 pm
I have been fortunate enough to have not lost a human family member yet in my life. However, I’ve been through the loss of five cats. I love each one so much and each time it happens I have thought that I can’t imagine a worse pain. I reach out to you and offer my deepest condolences. I DO know just how difficult this is.
On a separate note, I think that you a beautiful writer and you sound like and amazing woman. I will continue to check back for future posts and I will definitely check your other website.
I wish you all the best.
March 27, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Keep writing, keep smiling.. you motivate, captivate and are an inspiration to us all.
March 27, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Ugh, so sorry about Rico, we went through the exact same thing with our beloved cat “Tina”. We took her to the vet and got the exact same news. With the twins and myself by her side, we stroked her as they shaved her paw and put in the needle. The vet even gathered up the little bit of hair and put them into a pill container for each of my twins to keep forever. My son (now 12) still cries when we talk about Tina. She was a brillian cat and a great friend. So, I’m very sorry for your loss. I have checked out your new site and love it - the header of egrets (or herons) is BEAUTIFUL. I will add it to my google reader and keep reading! Love to you ROOBS! xoxoxox Lumpy
March 27, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Hallos!
A great summary of events. And sorry about Rico. It must be quite a heartbreaking episode.
Blessings,
March 28, 2008 at 2:17 pm
So sorry to hear about Rico’s last days, and I know what you went through. Had to put my sweetie Mikey down for the same reasons. He held on a little longer before I had to do it, but it tore me to pieces to have to let him go after 14 years.
I know your pain!
bless you and
R.I.P. Rico
March 28, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Sorry to hear of your loss.
This medium does serve a mulitude of purposes for many as it has for you. I do love to hear your voice and energy in what you write. Looking forward to checking out your new site. Be well!
March 30, 2008 at 7:54 pm
I am so sorry for your loss.
Sending healing thoughts for your spirit and health.
Jolynna
April 1, 2008 at 6:05 am
*hugs and healin’ thoughts*
And when the time happens–the post will appear.
Kinda like ‘if you build it, they will come’…..
Always liked Field of Dreams…..
*hugshugshugs*
April 1, 2008 at 8:14 am
Pepsoid, Thank you. The thinking is something that stops on a regular basis because I know how much meditation helps and heals me.
I know I’ll be writing here soon since the thoughts seem to be coming together. Now it’s just a matter of time and that will be available to me when I am ready. Peace new friend.
ElizabethNews, I’ve lost many loved ones, human and feline as well and it is never easy. I know of the love and the pain of which you speak. I empathize completely on a deep level.
Thank you for your condolences, I appreciate your visit and your empathy as well.
Thank you for such very kind comments on my writing and me. (Can you see me blushing now?) It’s always so pleasing to be recognized and appreciated. Thank you once again.
Have a beautiful day Elizabeth.
Paul, Your comments too make me blush. Thank you very much. You inspire me as well; you are truly what I think of as a writer. I just write from the heart. Peace.
Lumpy, How heart breaking and how familiar. What a nice thing for the vet to do. I wish I’d done that with several of my furry family in the past. Aw, here come the tears. I’m sorry about Tina and Rico and all the rest.
Please, do keep coming to both sites when you can. I am thinking the new one might need a bit more attention for at least a while and I hope that this one doesn’t just peter out. (I’m going to have to look up where the term “peter out” came from. It always makes me smile for some reason.)
Much love and xoxoxoxoxo to you today my friend. Peace too!
WaterLearner! Hello, glad to see you. I do hope that today you are finding some beauty and serenity in your life. Peace.
The Fitness Diva, Welcome. I’m so sorry about Mikey - it does keep hurting but the hurt does change over the years; that’s something I’ve learned in my life - for me anyway. I suppose that we all go through things differently.
Blessings to you and Mikey as well.
ToBeMe, Thank you. I think thank you are about all the response I have right now. Peace, as always.
Joylnna, Thank you for the healing thoughts, they do help. It is comforting to know people care.
Have a beautiful day.
MelBaby, Aww, thanks and I wish we could really get those hugs in person. The healing thoughts do help as I just said to Joylnna. Thanks Mel, it means a lot to me.
I always like Field of dreams too although I avoided it for years.
(((((((((((((Mel))))))))))))
To everyone who has responded here,
Thank you for caring, thank you for being here and thank you for being empathetic and truly wonderful people to “know”.
Peace, love and understanding as always along with tranquility, serenity and light.
April 1, 2008 at 8:49 am
Here I am, late again.
I’m sorry to hear about Rico. I’m sure that you miss him very much. These times truly break our hearts.
Thinking of you - your wrists, eyes, pain, heart. All of you…
April 2, 2008 at 3:49 am
Great post, sorry about Rico
I hope you are having a good day
April 2, 2008 at 11:51 am
Hi sweet girl…thinking of you with love.
Love, Hugs, Kisses, Peace.
April 2, 2008 at 5:33 pm
hi hunny!
i haven’t been doing my regular blogging much lately either, only when i really want to . i feel like i’m neglecting it, but sometimes life gets in the way, and there is nothing wrong with that. i’m sorry about your kitty cat. i hope that you are doing alright and know that you are always just a smile away from me!
April 6, 2008 at 7:14 pm
CarolDear, Here you are, late again? But YAY! HERE YOU ARE!
I’m always happy to see you.
About Rico - Yes, broken hearts for sure, he was my baby and his brother Cody - I loved those guys and it was so sad losing them while they were so young; so sad!
I’ve been thinking of you as well, hoping you’re doing better and better each day. Much love, always peace and serenity too.
Valeriideas, Welcome. I’m glad to see you here and if you have a blog, perhaps you’ll visit again when you’re signed in so we can come find you as well. I like to get to know the folks who visit if I can. The more he merrier?
Thank you for your caring words and I hope you’re having a good day and many more to come. Peace.
Lorri, Hello to you sweetie. I’ve been thinking of you as well, hoping all is well in your world.
Peace, love, happiness, hugs and kisses and let’s have some tranquility thrown in as well. Love always.
Joebecca, I wonder if it’s something that is going around - seems like many have closed or just aren’t writing; and you know what? It’s perfectly okay.
No obligations and no feeling like we’re neglecting it. Life is more important than blogging unless blogging *is* someones’ life and if that’s the case, it’s a pretty sad one.
Better to concentrate on life but that’s just my personal opinion.
About Rico - life will never be the same without him but it does go on for me - somehow.
Hugs and love to you.
April 10, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Your 6 word memoir was PERFECT, Ruby
And totally understand about the blogging/new blog/lack of interest/changed focus. A blog just represents where you are when you are there. Thank you for explaining - it doesn’t feel like you’ve just disappeared then, but rather changed focus; and… cyber hugs and best wishes and very very sorry about your beloved cat,
Loving Annie
April 10, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Loving Annie,
Thank you for your “perfect” comment.
I haven’t disappeard - I’m here, there and everywhere. I have many passions and ofen they get combined because I can not stop being me. You might be surprised at some of what’s there at http://athymeofpeas.com
Many hugs for you and thank you for understanding about Rico. It’s always going to hurt not having him in my lap, following me around the house and going for walks with him and having him soothe my soul.
Much love and many hugs.
April 19, 2008 at 10:24 am
Very sorry about Rico.
Best wishes on your recovery.
Dave
April 19, 2008 at 11:38 am
Thanks for dropping by the Innocent Bystanders blog.
Sorry about Rico, you might want to check out Spudder’s Blog. Spudder was a Feral Idaho Barn Cat that we tamed.
She looks a lot like Rico.
http://spudder.wordpress.com/page/2/