Hi!

I do have more to say and I do want to respond to the love and care that has been given to me here in a very serious time in my life.

Someone wrote to me and said that they weren’t sure there was any such thing as real friends anymore; that maybe it was just a word in the dictionary. There were some really good posts I wrote that I reread tonight and thought it might be a good time to really describe how I feel about the people who have really been by my side, on my side and with me in heart and spirit.

Who knows - maybe it might stir some feelings up in others and ring a bell in folks heads about friendships and what they really are and how they might fit in - or not. Maybe it will get some people to think about who they really are, how they really are. All this stuff about I’m here, I love you, I’ve been by your side…. I just don’t understand people sometimes. I guess it’s just all about them sometimes.

• http://rubyshooz.wordpress.com/2007/10/25/love-is-action-in-relationships/
• http://rubyshooz.wordpress.com/2007/09/14/the-door-was-always-open/
• http://rubyshooz.wordpress.com/2007/05/24/real-friends/

I’ve been very sick since last couple of weeks but this last week was really bad when they tried a new med on me and couldn’t eat for the last three days. I’ve also had some problems with pain in one of my wrists, up my arm and down the right side around my ribs.

I went to a neurologist who did some nasty elecrical and needle testing the other day and she seemed to think that I might have a pinched nerve in my elbow but wondered why they hadn’t done any x-rays of my neck etc. so she’ll be reporting to all my doctors in the next day or so - prolly advising them to send me for more x-rays.

I don’t wanna go, I don’t want any more x-rays, I don’t want to see any more doctors, I don’t like my doctors and when I went to the pain management clinic there was a problem with them mis-medicating me then blaming it on me and getting on my case for following their directions. The time before that they said about three or four times , “Geez, you look stoned!” No matter that it was an appt. at 7:45 am and we had to drive an hour to get there or that I’d only gotten three hours sleep.

I’m not feeling too peaceful today but I did want to say at least something - Mark, I’ve been leaning on you and I thank you for having such a strong shoulder.

Like I said, I want to, and shall, respond to the comments that you folks who care have left me. There are times I feel utterly alone and it’s hard to explain here but I just wanted to let y’all know I’m here, somewhat and I do read what you’ve said here.

I am committed to responding to each and every one of you….especially to Mark/TWM who has been my other rock and to my brother Reg who very much deserves a personal letter.

One last thing, Di - if you’d wanted to write to me you would have. I have too but don’t know what to say to anyone anymore. I’m just feeling very insecure in the world here at this time and in this space. We’ve both missed you too Di.

I do need to give my wrists, my emotions and my self some rest and to go to that place that Mark/TWM has intimated in some of his posts.

Peace, love and understanding - no matter what.

(If you read part of this in my last comment in the last post, you’re not seeing things - I did repost it here with some changes since it seemed like it needed a bit more exposure.

I just don’t think I have it in me anymore. 

I had some things I wanted to say here but I can’t bring myself to doing it and I’m a bit heartstruck that I cannot feel free to write as I used to here so  -

I’ve cared for many of you, even come to love some of the few who have actually stood by me, those who came and carried on even when I couldn’t (Mark, I love you for this among other things)  and those who have written to me personally to say hello, how are you, I care.  I don’t know what’s going to happen with me but I guess none of us do. 

To the others, well, more power to you.  I did what I could.  I gave it everything I had, never asked for a thing.

Peace, love and understanding, no matter what.

Greetings and Salutations.

I know it’s been overly long and the mystery woman who kept saying she was going to write has been absent on the pages here it would seem but I have been here, looking in often.  I’ve tried to answer what comments people have made and have not done  such a bang up job of it as late.   The explanation of why this has happened this way is:

I don’t know.

I’ve awakened each morning saying to myself that the very first thing I’m going to do when I arise is go and compose a post on my much neglected blog today no matter what and each day I’ve done anything and everything *but* that.   No excuses.  All I can do is apologize to the dedicated readers and friends here for not keeping you in the loop lately.  I am truly sorry.

I started this blog more than a year ago; sometime last February I wrote a few lines then saved them as a draft.  I published them a few weeks later.   I thought I was  going to be busy starting an exciting new life.  I felt I had finally escaped the things that had shackeled me for the past several years and that I could finally move on in my life. 

At some point during 2006 I began to see that I’d been involved in something that I had some serious issues with and the issues were not going away.  In January 2007 I decided to conclude and leave that part of my life that I had been consumed with. I was happy about it.  That’s what this blog had started out being about.   Then things changed.

It was like in those very old movies when, for the special effects to be scary or suddenly slip and morph into something completely diametric, they sort of turned the camera and it appeared that the world moved sideways.  That’s how I felt last year about this time.  Why?

I found a lump on my breast and yes, it was diagnosed as cancer.   Then the blog quickly became a place that it was easiest to tell my family and friends the changes that were taking place so rapidly.   In the first few weeks there was more news almost daily and instead calling around and having to tell the whole story and the latest news to several people, the blog seemed like a good idea and the easiest way to convey the most current information regarding my circumstances.

Over time as I came to some semblance of knowing that I wasn’t going to persue the usual avenue concerning my cancer; like aggressive treatment, there really didn’t seem to be the need to keep talking about it.  When I did talk about it, it was mostly via the phone or email with the people closest to me.  I was certain that I would not benefit from “treatment” at all and that I couldn’t go through with that so I haven’t and it turns out that my decision was the precise one for me to make - for me.

The blog began to change.  I began to change.  I did much self-exploration, pondering and soul searching.  I have become a new person in many ways.  I know myself better now, I am more self assured, more self confident, more cognizant of my purpose, of my wants and desires.  I’ve seen more in this last year about myself, about others, and about the world than I’d ever seen before.   I am seeing the intricacies of life; mine, yours, ours and I’m seeing more and more that even though we may be quite different, we are quite the same as well.  I see us all as one. 

I got an email recently (Mon, 3 Mar 2008 - I guess that’s not *too* recently) out of the blue from Pepsoid that surprised me. He had tagged me with a “meme”. What surprised me is that I am rather unfamiliar with Pepsoid (I might have commented there once or visa versa) and another reason was the timing. It came at a time when I was pondering how to write this post and what I wanted to say about what’s been going on with me and how to tell you. Anyway, it goes like this: it pertains of the writing of one’s memoirs in precisely six words. Another thing to think long and hard on. This stuff is easy for some people but for me, it can take some time. What I came up with is this:

My memoirs in precicely six words - “My life has dissolved, revolved, evolved.” So, there you have it and ah, it’s full circle. It is the first time in years or perhaps ever that I’ve ultimately come to the point where I know that I have to tend to my own self and it is the only way that I can help others.

I didn’t mean to go off on a tangent here.  What I mean to do with this post is let you know where I’m at today and why I haven’t been around here or at many of your blogs. 

• I’ve had some trouble with my eyes and still have been having pain and might now be suffering from arthritis according to my oncologist.
• I’ve not known what to say and been a bit confused about how I feel about the whole “blogging” thing in regards to some of the friendships I thought I had and some of the troubling consequences that have transpired since I’ve been blogging.
• I’ve found that my interests and situation have changed and with those changes I’ve gone with the flow and made some deepening alterations in my thinking and once again, in myself.
• I’ve been working on some research.

Since I’m sure you’re not interested in reading a book here, I just have a few more things to say here and now that pertain to what I’ve been trying to articulate.

My wonderful husband Aaron and I have started a new website at:

http://www.athymeofpeas.com

We did it because we had some things we wanted to say on a different level and because it just didn’t seem to fit in here. We hope that it has a bit of the same flavor as it does here but a bit more focused and for different purposes than why this blog exists. We will do what we can and as best as we can even though we are both short on time and energy. (We need to conserve energy and yes, pun intended) We do hope that some of you will come, explore, keep coming back and we hope that the issue that we hope to convey are important to you as well since it really does concern mankind in an organic integrated way that will help us all grow in different areas of our lives. We invite you to join us on our journey there as well.

I hope that I can write here as well at times but obviously I’ve not had the passion, the reason or the desire to keep writing here. I’ve needed time to explore what it is I really need and part of that has been just - rest. Time away from just sitting at the computer and room to think about what’s really important. Is this important to me? Yes! And/but so many people already have blogs rather similar to this one (and the other as well really) but I/we felt like I/we wanted to make a difference, wanted to learn, to share with others what we find along the way and to work towards unfication and harmony everywhere. Lofty ambitions? Mayhaps but why not? Where there’s life, somewhere, somehow, there IS hope.

Which brings me to another subject about where I’ve been, why I haven’t been here or been terribly responsive; especially this last week or so.

On the sidebar you’ll see a link to something called “Cody Memorial” and if you’ve read there, it begins a story about our two kitties, Rico and Cody and their adopted little brother, Elijah.  Hopefully, you’ll read that, especially if you have a furry family member.  After reading that, come back and read the rest of the story. 

About three weeks ago I noticed that Rico was being a bit different than he has always been.  He was wanting more attention (and getting it) than ever before.  He seemed like he might have a cold or something though and then he stopped eating.  We watched him and after a couple of days we knew we had to take him to the vet to find out what was wrong. 

They took some blood from him and came back with some very bad results.  It showed that his kidneys were not functioning properly and shutting down.  There just wasn’t anything more we could do for him.  The strain of his bad heart had helped to cause this kidney failure. 

We had to let him go.  I don’t know if any of you have ever been through this but it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through and I’ve been through a lot.  We said our goodbyes and held Rico as the vet put the needle in and off he went; to join his brother Cody.  Now he’s buried out in the back next to his brother and we’re just heart broken.

Rico was one of the most serious cats I’ve ever known except when that tail of his started chasing  him and then he pranced round and round trying to catch it; first trying to make sure no one was watching. He was my baby and - well - sometimes there just are no more words. 

There should be some follow up posts here one of these days but I’m not sure when. Life is still coming at us.

Peace, love and understanding to all.

I have a friend named Deb who “has tagged’ me to do a book “meme” and while I don’t usually do these things,  I like the idea of doing one for books so I’m going to go for this one.   Deb, only for you would I do this I think. 

I am supposed to post the rules so here they are:

Rules:

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

I am sitting on a couch and I have literally hundreds of books behind me but I do have one on the table by the couch that is named: “The Mystic Heart” so I’m going to use that one. It’s a book by a man named Wayne Teasdale who has pretty much traveled the world studying different religions and spiritual practices and he thinks the we are coming towards an age of something he has termed as “interspirituality” which I am seeing as a sort of a melting pot of different religions and spiritual practices since many are very much the same or have many of the same qualities.

Since I’m not a good rule follower, I’m looking in this book here which I have only skimmed at this point but pretty thoroughly and I need to include the fifth sentence I think in order to put the rest of the sentences in context. So here goes:

In the fifth sentence he says:

“I call the tendency to judge others as an act of projection.”

The next three sentences are as follows:

1. “I don’t use this term in the psychological sense, but in a purely spiritual context.”
2. “Instead of attending to their own inner work, judgemental people are actually doing another’s “work”; they are projecting outside themselves, imputing motives or intentions on others, as if they know the others’ hearts.”
3. “The spiritual journey only begins in ernest when we no longer experience the need to judge others, when we begin to take responsibility for our own inner development.”

There now! I’ve done it!!

As with all memes, I’m going to say that it’s totally optional to do these but in the spirit of trying to follow the rules somewhat, now I need to tag five more people and …. hm ….

1. Lady Luck (since I know she’s a big reader)
2. Dear Dawn (because I know she needs more to do)
3. MusEditions (since I really want to know what she’s reading.)
4. Carol For Peace (since I bet she’s reading something interesting too)
5. CeeQue (I’m not sure he’s a big reader but if he does, I am sure it’s something good)

If anyone else would like to participate, please do let me know because I am facinated by what people read.

Thanks for pulling me out of the shadows Deb. I kow I just said that on your blog but it’s a fitting term so here it is again. It’s funny because when I speak with my sister - almost every single time we each ask each other what we’re reading. I do love talking about books.

Thanks Deb and thanks to everyone - just for being you.

PEACE

Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
~Buddha~

We are not at peace with others because we are not at peace with ourselves, and we are not at peace with ourselves because we are not at peace with God.
~Thomas Merton~

There is no way to peace, peace is the way.
~A. J. Muste~

Peace is costly but it is worth the expense.
~African Proverb~

The more you sweat in peacetime, the less you bleed during war.
~Chinese Proverb~

Man’s greatest blunder has been in trying to make peace with the skies
instead of making peace with his neighbors.
~Elbert Hubbard~

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson~

There was never a good war or a bad peace.
~Benjamin Franklin~

If you wish to experience peace, provide peace for another.
~Tenzin Gyatso, The 14th Dalai Lama~

Let us forgive each other - only then will we live in peace.
~Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy~

Peace is its own reward.
~Mahatma Gandhi~

All we are saying is give peace a chance.
~John Lennon~

When the power of love overcomes the love of power,
the world will know peace.
~Jimi Hendrix~

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding,
I want the understanding which bringeth peace.
~Helen Keller~

Conflict within, conflict without!
Peace within, peace without!

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You may or may not care to read this but here it is. I’ve struggled for months to write this and I’m not sure why it’s been such a struggle - perhaps because it’s so inconclusive. This past week every single day I’ve awakened, gotten my steaming cup of hot, black coffee, meditated for a few minutes then sat down at the computer to write this and finally get it out. What has actually happened is I’ve done anything *but* write it and got lost in internet-space.

The reason I started this blog was because I had just come to the end of a fairly hard struggle with something and I thought I was going to be writing about; This great new adventure of a new life I was going to be living w/o having to do what I had felt I was chained to for the past several years. I thought I was free and I was excited to share and explore it with others - so I started the blog. Within a week or two - my world exploded when I was told I had breast cancer.

At that point I was blogging because it seemed the easiest way to share the latest news that was coming fast - I had a mammogram, then ultrasound, then appointment with surgeon who did an “excisional biopsy” to take out a suspicious lump. When I awoke he told me that it was indeed malignant cancer and that given where it was they would have to do a radical mastectomy - which I refused. Most women just blindly do whatever the doctors reccommend *I think* but I’m not one of them. For me, I thought - Let it be was my best course of action. No “treatment” for breast cancer.

Much of the following is actually parts of a letter that I wrote to someone that I felt needed to hear it first because I’ve had a feeling it might hurt some people somehow because of our different circumstances. I didn’t want our relationship to change. I just don’t want to hurt anyone.

In October I had a PET/CT scan and I mentioned it on the blog. No one ever really asked what the results were and I didn’t really say. The first one (PET/CT scan) I had in May I think, was a couple of pages and I posted the results of that on the blog. The reason I never posted the results of the second scan is as follows:

The results of this second one were on one piece of paper. (unlike the first one which was about two or three pages and had much more information than this latest one) I had the second scan at a different facility, ordered by a different doctor. (that is just part of the “backstory” that helps to explain the whys) My current oncologist said the differences were because both of the doctors ordered different things to be looked at.

The results came back like this:

IMPRESSION: There is no evidence of reoccurance on this study.

I was more shocked to read that than I was when they told me I had breast cancer. I called the doctor’s office and asked them what that meant. The nurse just read it to me. I asked what it meant and she didn’t really have any further explanation. At that point I decided I would write to both my oncologist and primary care doctors and started writing a letter several times but I was just really in shock. I had an appointment with my PC doctor in a few weeks and time passed so I decided I would just wait and ask her. When I did ask, she said that her father, my oncologist, would know better than she what it meant. I left there still as confused as when I entered.

A week or two later when we went to the pain management clinic and the physician’s assistant who had worked in an oncologist’s office for about 20 years I think explained to us that sometimes cancer can just “wall itself off” and just stay put (at least for some time) and she said that was actually good news. We left there still confused but a bit more informed.

In January we went to the oncologist’s office and he said the same thing. I asked him if that means I still have cancer or what. He basically said the same thing over again that the physician’s assistant at the pain management clinic said. So I guess for now I’m in “remission” - but I’m not sure if that’s what that really means. No one has said the words “remission” or “gone” yet so I’m left sort of hanging. The oncologist did say though that since the PET scan couldn’t “see” it, it must be pretty walled off but could start invading again. I guess now I’m in a holding pattern.

I can still feel the pain, I can still feel right where it is inside me so I know it’s not gone and I cannot just jump for joy about this news. I’m still scared and I’m trying to stay focused on the positive. I haven’t written on the blog because I just didn’t know what to say, how to say it or what happens next.

So there. It’s all I’ve got for now.

Peace, love and understanding.

Just so you know, I am trying to work my way down my blogroll to visit the folks who mean so very much to me - I have been wanting to come visit but just haven’t been able to.  I’m going to keep going on down and visit some of the folks who have left comments here too in the meantime… and my IM buddy who is obsessed with okra.   

I’m trying to keep up with comments, responses, letters - I care about y’all and I’m trying to take advantage of the time I’ve got while my eyes and body is cooperating with me but it’s taking more time than I’d anticipated.  After that I’m going to try and write the next post which isn’t going to be as easy as I’d thought.

I just wanted to let folks know where I stand.  Thank you for your patience. 

Love to all.

I just found out the shocking news that Academy Award nominee Heath Ledger is dead and that he died in NY.  I am sorry he died and it is tragic.  This is the sort of thing that reaches headlines at some of the social media sites like Digg and I find it crushing that this is what people are interested in. Don’t people have lives beyond wondering what Paris Hilton is up to? *sigh*

The story I just read over at TMZ talks about it in some detail and I found it just amazing. Amazing why? Because the man is so famous and hm, once again, I’ve never heard of him.

What’s most shocking is that this story is one that has had over 18,000 diggs.   I guess I just don’t get out enough. I guess I just expect too much, am too idealistic and unrealistic when it comes to thinking about what really interests people. 

It feels like the only thing that really gathers peoples’ interest is something tragic - something like this or an accident or huge catastrophy - I wonder if any normal sorts of stories hit the bigtime with Digg.  (I don’t look at Digg much) Technology yes but the stranger the story the better. 

I’ll never understand.   Some days it just feels like why write anymore if that’s what interests people. 

Very belated happy new year to everyone. Most people who read here regularly are aware that I’ve not been well at all lately. I feel that you deserve an explanation and it has been a long time in coming I know. There have been a very few people who have been concerned enough to write to me and that’s been very much appreciated.  Many didn’t bother and I imagine they had their reasons  whatever they were. 

Someone I know from the blogging world sent me a letter on January 2 and it got me to thinking (once again) about blogging among other things. It really did stop me in my tracks for a bit there. What this person said was:

“if this isn’t too much to ask…why you continue to blog and what it means to you. (I remember you writing about some of that a while back, but am curious where you are on it now.) I feel so vulnerable revealing stuff about me on-line and yet you have shared so much so honestly. Is there something you’ve gained by baring your soul to people? Has it helped you? Do you want different things now from blogging than when you started?”

Some people can think about things, answer questions, and write at the drop of a hat but for some reason these questions just got to me and I had to stop and think hard for a very long while in order to give a cohesive answer. I thought I knew and told this person I was going to blog about it soon and that soon has taken a very long time to come about but I think I’m ready.

Whether or not you’ve read this blog all along or you are new here, I urge you to go back to the beginning of this blog and read some of the first posts, like this one is the firstI think and basically the months of March and April too - and continue if you need or want to get a better look at me, who I am, what I’ve blogged about and how it’s changed. I’ve gone and done that myself just now in order to remember how it was.

I started blogging because I had news (that I had breast cancer and was going to have to have surgery) that was coming at a very fast rate that I needed to spread to my family and a blog seemed like the easiest way to tell them all at once instead of making all the phone calls but that’s slowed down and there hasn’t been a need for it lately although I do have some more recent news I do need to share with everyone soon - family and blogging “family”/”community. I intend on doing that in the next day or two depending on how I’m feeling.

Getting back to the questions my friend asked me about blogging - I guess I could make a bit of a list.

1. I continue to blog because I know that people care - and we really do have a bit of a “community”. Yes, some folks come and go, and some just go and don’t come back. (I miss those folks who have disappeared and I wonder and worry about them and know I should write to them - I have been in somewhat regular contact with one though.)

There are some things going on behind the scenes that can be good or can be not so good and there have been some hurts (yes, I’m pretty sensitive) and surprises…even some very nice surprises. All in all I think the good things have outweighed the bad and it’s all a matter of perspective.

2.“Why (do)you continue to blog and what it means to you?”  I continue to blog, albeit irregularly, due to my health - because I’ve kept having things to say that I’ve thought were important enough to share.

3.What it (blogging) means to me?   Hm. It’s been an outlet and even a comfort at times for me when I’ve needed it. Blogging, writing and getting comments/feedback has been a bit of a mirror and has even helped me see some things at times that I couldn’t see.

4.“I feel so vulnerable revealing stuff about me on-line and yet you have shared so much so honestly. Is there something you’ve gained by baring your soul to people? Has it helped you?”   During my life, I’ve been in some very vulnerable situations and I haven’t felt vulnerable when I’ve blogged. Maybe I’ve just dealt with so many things in my lifetime that being vulnerable just doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m a big girl now.

I can take it if people don’t agree with me or if they are angered or bothered by what I’ve said or not said - it’s that I guess I’ve come to the blogging table well-equipped in at least that department. I haven’t felt like I’ve “bared my soul” while blogging. I’ve been totally honest like I always am. It’s the only way I know how to be and it’s usually always helped me.

There are times though when I’ve been totally honest about things and some people just flat-out didn’t believe it. I think it’s because they might not be being honest within themselves about some thing or things. That’s just a thought I have and not meant to hurt anyone.

5. “Do you want different things now from blogging than when you started?” Boy, what a question! When I started I didn’t realize there was so much to it - I didn’t realize there was interaction with others - I didn’t know anything about it really - I’m not sure I’d ever even read a blog before.

The easy, obvious answer to that question that was posed is: Yes, I do want different things than when I started. I think I need a whole new direction to go. I think that I need a niche but I haven’t really discovered what that is yet although I’ve been actively trying to figure that out. I don’t think I’d want to write the sort of activist-type of posts I’ve been writing lately but I’m not sure.

One thing I’d really like is to start earning a bit of money in the process of writing/blogging if I could. I know some folks manage to do that pretty well but I just don’t have many clues on how I could do that or if I’d feel “cheapened”.

At the moment though we are very much in need of some more money or a different way of living so that’s why the thought of making some money blogging occurred to me.

Due to my health issues I’m sort of up in the air about everything though and sometimes it feels like I could fall a *long* ways down.

So there you have it…. finally….if you’re still with me. Ah, there’s one more thing I’d like to do differently with blogging is to be able to write shorter posts!!

It now being after 2 am I am going to call it a day since I can still only sleep about an hour or two at the most at night.

Peace, love and understanding to everyone.